Written for An Antic Disposition at "imaginary garden with real toads", where our focus is "those troubles of the brain, shaping fantasies and antic dispositions which make us human."
Hallucinations
When the other passengers' heads
warped out of shape, becoming
skulls and leering monsters, I knew
it wasn't real, even though I was really
seeing it, with my naked eyes. And I wasn't
on any drugs, so I knew I must be mad.
I got off the tram at my stop, acting calm,
after sitting very still and quiet. Must
appear normal. I told no-one. But later
when I had the mood swings, after I couldn't
stop the hysterics, I said to my doctor, "I think
I need a psychiatrist." He asked why.
So I told him. "I think I must be going mad."
He asked why. So I told him that. It felt brave
and desperate. No turning back. He said
if I was mad, I wouldn't be sitting in his room
requesting psychiatric help. But he did agree
I needed a psychiatrist. And he knew a good one.
That was over fifty years ago. Today I look
at your dear face, your beautiful face, and I know
again I am not seeing true. This time the real
physical appearance of you happens to be
the illusion. It's sad. Again I am not deceived.
Yet I try to linger, deny. Perhaps I'm a little bit mad?
I definitely connect to the last stanza. I've just been thinking about that this morning, actually --- trying to shape my thoughts into a poem. But the process is making me want to cry. I try to run away from anything that does that to me. Other people seem to embrace it. I don't know how or why.
ReplyDeleteOften, not so much embrace as catharsis. And just because that stanza is written in present tense doesn't necessarily mean it really is. There's a lot to be said for "emotion recollected in tranquility".
DeleteOf course, crying is a release. Letting oneself fully feel the upset is a way of getting rid of it. But we don't always want to (which leads back to that last stanza again) because it seems like a loss of whatever came before the grief. As Kahlil Gibran said, "You are weeping for that which has been your delight". Unfortunately, the delight can only return, via memory, once we have dispelled the upset.
DeleteLOL luv what the doctor said
ReplyDelete[quite recently, i spent a whole day in Wednesday, and it was only Tuesday that day.]
Happy Monday
much love...
LOL I don't think that really qualifies as madness either.
DeleteThis is beautifully intense! 💜 I guess we are all tinged with a little bit of madness. Its how we handle ourselves in times of sorrow that defines its depth. 💜
ReplyDeleteAll poets are mad ( nicely mad ). It must be terrible to be normal. I used to know some normal folk once. They talk about real estate values a lot:)
ReplyDeleteI wonder how many have asked that question at one time or another...
ReplyDeletei was very touched by your poem. How grief consumes us in different ways at different times. I know that I wouldn't want to let that image to either, even if it meant I was a "little bit mad" :-)
ReplyDeleteI so enjoy the way you have recounted a most wondrous experience in the tone of one delivering bare facts. It makes me reassess my opinion of visions and perception in general. The final account of seeing the real physical appearance as an illusion warmed my heart. Not mad at all, Rosemary.
ReplyDeleteAt the time it was a terrifying experience.
DeleteSuch a depth of feeling and a sense of openness to the possibilities, whatever they may be.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am arrested at your mention of the Gibran quote......weeping at that which has been our delight. Sigh. A wonderful poem. Reminds me of how I felt seeing the brown dog that was not there - but WAS there - the other day.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you like the poem. I think your vision of the dog was a true visitation whereas my perception of the people on the tram was a distortion of reality. My mention of the Gibran quote was specifically in response to Willow's comment about being reluctance to experience upset.
DeleteThe contrasts between the two experiences are startling.. the first terrifying, the second a madness to stay in... we all need a little bit of madness (or maybe it's just a fantasy)
ReplyDeleteOh, I think illusions of all kinds are dangerous!
DeleteAnd that they differ from poetic imagination or fantasy.
DeleteI cannot imagine a life lived without a little madness. I love the walk down memory lane. Go with whatever brings you peace. :)
ReplyDeleteA little madness is one thing, a serious disturbance another. But I also think we have the power to shift where we are on the continuum.
DeleteThe ending grips my heart...
ReplyDeleteA fear a lot of us have, I would hate to have to live it.
ReplyDelete..
Oh, I can relate. I've had/have/will have my crazy at any moment. I think creatives have a bit of madness in them.
ReplyDeleteWe are all a bit mad here in Wonderland.
ReplyDelete